Big Idea Daily | The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work
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A Practical Guide from the Country's Foremost Relationship Expertby John Gottman |
“I often think that if fitness buffs spent just 10 percent of their weekly workout time—say, twenty minutes a day—working on their marriage instead of their bodies, they would get three times the health benefits they derive from exercise class or the treadmill."JOHN M. GOTTMAN |
BIG IDEA
The 7 Principles
FROM THE BOOK“It soon became apparent that these happy marriages were never perfect unions.
Some couples who said they were very satisfied with each other still had significant differences in temperament, interests, and family values. Conflict was not infrequent. They argued, just as the unhappy couple did, over money, jobs, kids, housekeeping, sex, and in-laws. The mystery was how they so adroitly navigated their way through these difficulties and kept their marriages happy and stable.
It took studying hundreds of couples to uncover the secrets of these emotionally intelligent marriages. No two marriages are the same, but the more closely my research team and I looked at happy marriages, the more evident it became that they were alike in seven telltale ways. Happily married couples may not be aware that they follow these Seven Principles, but they all do. Unhappy marriages always came up short in at least one of these seven areas—and usually in many of them. By mastering these Seven Principles, you can ensure that your own marriage will thrive.”
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Brian's Notes
First, rule #1: Just as Abraham Maslow tells us there are no perfect human beings, John Gottman tell us: There are NO perfect marriages.
None. Not even one.
And, your marriage will not be the first. :)
With that in mind, here’s a super quick look at the 7 Principles for Making Marriage Work (of course, each has its own chapter in the book):
Principle 1: Enhance Your Love Maps. How well do you know your partner? Thriving couples have a thorough “Love Map” of their partner’s dreams, values and essence.
Principle 2: Nurture Your Fondness and Admiration. How much do you really like your partner? Thriving couples nurture a deep sense of fondness and admiration. They cherish one another.
Principle 3: Turn Toward Each Other Instead of Away. Happy couples consistently find ways to CONNECT—they are attuning themselves to one another by turning toward each other.
Principle 4: Let Your Partner Influence You. Happy couples embody a willingness to yield in order to win—they let one another influence each other and don’t always need to be domineeringly “right.”
Principle 5: Solve Your Solvable Problems. There are two types of problems: solvable and perpetual. (Surprisingly, 69% are unsolvable!) And... There are some key practices to resolving the solvable ones! We’ll talk about this more in a moment.
Principle 6: Overcome Gridlock. Then there are the unsolvable problems—the perpetual ones. We need to work to overcome gridlock so these differences (that exist in ALL relationships and form the bulk of what we argue about) don’t become irreconcilable differences.
Principle 7: Create Shared Meaning. Happy couples embrace the four pillars of shared meaning: rituals of connection + support for each other’s roles + shared goals + shared values and symbols.
P.S. Before we jump into a few of these in more detail: I’ll make another strong rec to get the book! I’ll also note that, as into all this optimizing stuff as I am, I initially resisted reading the book. I always prefer to lean into the peak performance, etc. themes :) and it was easy to put this one off.
Then, as we approached our 9th anniversary and Alexandra’s 37th birthday, she was excited for us to invest more energy into our relationship. We have put so much energy into our personal optimization and parenting our 3 1/2 year old and it was time to reinvest more energy into our relationship.
So, as a birthday + anniversary present, I dove into the book and created this Note (and created a cool Love note that was part of the second principle) and here we are.
All that to say:
Ladies, if your men aren’t SUPER excited to jump into this book, be patient. (Hah!)
Gentlemen: Dive in. The water’s warm. It’s awesome.)
Big Ideas
01: PREDICTING DIVORCE
02: THE 7 PRINCIPLES
03: CHERISH YOUR PARTNER
04: TURNING TOWARD
05: SOLVE THE SOLVABLE
“At the heart of the Seven Principles approach is the simple truth that happy marriages are based on a deep friendship. By this I mean a mutual respect for and enjoyment of each other’s company."JOHN M. GOTTMAN |
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