Big Idea Daily | The Power of Showing Up
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How Parental Presence Shapes Who Our Kids Become and How Their Brains Get Wiredby Daniel J. Siegel, MD & Tina Payne Bryson, PhD |
“When parents consistently show up, their children’s minds come to expect that the world is a place that can be understood and meaningfully interacted with—even in times of trouble and pain. Showing up thus creates in our kids neural pathways that lead to selfhood, grit, strength, and resilience.”DAN SIEGEL & TINA PAYNE BRYSON |
BIG IDEA
Imperfect Parents
FROM THE BOOK“One message we deliver over and over whenever we write about parenting is that you don’t have to be perfect.
Nobody is. There’s no such thing as flawless child-rearing. (We’ll pause while you let out a deep, relieved breath.)
At some level we all know this, but many of us—especially committed, thoughtful, intentional parents—consistently fall prey to feelings of anxiety and inadequacy. We worry about our children and their safety, of course, but we also worry that we’re not ‘good enough’ in the way we’re raising them. We worry that our kids won’t grow up to be responsible or resilient or relational or . . . (fill in the blank). We worry about the times we let them down, or hurt them. We worry that we’re not giving them enough attention, or that we’re giving them too much attention. We even worry that we worry too much!
We’ve written this book for all the imperfect parents who care deeply about their kids (as well as for imperfect grandparents and teachers and professionals and anyone else who cares for a child). We have one central message full of comfort and hope: When you’re not sure how to respond in a given situation with your child, don’t worry. There’s one thing you can always do, and it’s the best thing of all. Instead of worrying, or trying to attain some standard of perfection that simply doesn’t exist, just show up.
Showing up means what it sounds like. It means being there for your kids. It means being physically present, as well as providing a quality of presence. You don’t have to be perfect. You don’t even have to know exactly what you’re doing. Just show up.”
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Brian's Notes
Those are the very first words of the very first chapter.
I thought of a couple things as I read that.
First, let’s go back to that first sentence and remind ourselves that...
YOU DON’T HAVE TO BE PERFECT.
NOBODY IS.
As we’ve discussed many (many!) times, Abraham Maslow studied the greatest human beings of his generation (and in history). He found a lot of extraordinary people. He called them “self-actualizers.”
But...
You know what Maslow DIDN’T find?
He didn’t find ANY perfect people.
NOT EVEN ONE.
And...
Guess what?
I hate to break the news to you but...
You and I will NOT be the first perfect people.
I REPEAT: There are NO perfect human beings. No perfect relationships. No perfect kids. And no perfect parents. PERIOD.
That’s easy for me to type and easy for you to nod your head at as you read it. The trick is to REMEMBER THIS the next time you flip your lid and act like a jerk to your kids. (lol)
Which brings me back to one of my favorite things about Dan.
If you’ve been blessed to spend any time with Dan, you know that he’s seriously close to being one of the most enlightened guys out there. (No joke!)
And... The way he tells the story about how HE has “flipped his lid” and gotten super-angry with his kids is incredibly liberating. If nearly-enlightened DAN has yelled at his kids, WE can give ourselves permission to not be perfect—embracing Kristen Neff’s science of Self-Compassion and the importance of recognizing our common humanity.
Of course, we want to accept our imperfections and then get to work optimizing. Rule #1? JUST SHOW UP! Let’s chat about how to go about doing that most powerfully.
Big Ideas
01: IMPERFECT PARENTS
02: THE FOUR S’S
03: WHAT MAKES A GOOD PARENT?
04: RELATIONAL TRUST FUNDS
05: HISTORY IS NOT DESTINY
“If ever there is tomorrow when we’re not together . . . there is something you must always remember. You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. But the most important thing is, even if we’re apart . . . I’ll always be with you.”CHRISTOPHER ROBIN TO WINNIE-THE-POOH, POOH’S GRAND ADVENTURE |
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