Big Idea Daily | The Next Conversation
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Argue Less, Talk Moreby Jefferson Fisher |
“The fastest way to lose your peace of mind is to give someone a piece of yours.”JEFFERSON FISHER |
BIG IDEA
Align with Your Values
FROM THE BOOK“Reflect on topics of your legacy—who you want to be, what you want to be known for, and what good you want to put out into the world.
It might take a few hours. It might take a few weeks, or even a month or two, to internalize and identify your personal values. That’s okay. It’s worth the time spent. And keep in mind, the values don’t have to be a single word. They can also be phrases or full sentences. Whatever makes sense to you in your head. In the spirit of fairness, here are mine:
Where there is room for kindness, I will use it.
Tell them who I am without saying my name.
If I can’t be a bridge, I’ll be a lighthouse.
My personal values highlight the things important to my own personality. For one, kindness makes me think of my momma, and the way she treats everyone. And more so, I want to treat others with kindness regardless of their behavior. I want my actions to speak louder than my words. And I want to be a steady source of light, a safe place they can come back to, even when resolution isn’t immediately possible. These values help align me behind every communication that I have. Internal struggles over what to say or how to behave in times of conflict resolve themselves when I respond with my values.”
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Brian's Notes
The book has two parts.
In Part I, we focus on “The Essentials” which include three chapters: #1: Never Win an Argument, #2: Your Next Conversation, and #3: The Truth About Connection.
Part II is all about “The Application” which includes chapters on the three rules of effective communication:
- Rule 1: Say It With Control
- Rule 2: Say It with Confidence
- Rule 3: Say It to Connect
That passage above is from the second chapter on “Your Next Conversation.”
The best way to prep for that?
Focus on YOURSELF.
More specifically: “Reflect on topics of your legacy—who you want to be, what you want to be known for, and what good you want to put out into the world.”
Let’s do that right now.
Who do YOU want to be?
What do you want to be known/remembered for?
And, what good do you want to put out into the world.
Another one of the best books I’ve ever read is Ben Hardy’s Be Your Future Self Now: The Science of Intentional Transformation.
In that book, Ben walks us through the FASCINATING research on the SCIENCE of living from your best future self.
He tells us: “The quality of connection you have with your own Future Self determines the quality of your life and behaviors now. Research shows that the more connected you are to your own Future Self, the wiser decisions you make here and now.”
That, of course, is pretty much exactly what Jefferson is encouraging us to contemplate.
It’s also pretty much exactly what we’re always talking about in these Notes.
- Who are you at your best?
- What virtues do you embody?
- How, specifically, will you put those virtues in action TODAY?
Getting clarity on who you are committed to being is THE most important thing you can do before your next conversation.
As Jefferson tells us: “Your values make the tough decisions for you. When you align your communication with your values, you increase the likelihood of reaching your goal and ensuring that when times get rough, the real you shows up. But that means the hard work has to happen before you open your mouth.”
Back to Ben. In Be Your Future Self Now he tells us: “In 2 years, 5 years, 10 years, or 20, barring fatality, you will become someone. The question to ask yourself is: Who will your Future Self be? That is, perhaps, the most important question any human can ask themself.”
Back to Jefferson who tells us: “When it’s time for you to walk into your own next conversation, don’t just rely on how it went in your head. Be realistic. Be intentional. These questions will help:
- What is my goal for this conversation?
- Which of my values do I need to meet that goal?
By putting conversational goals and values in mind, you put connection within reach.”
One final thought before we move on...
Another thing I LOVE (!) to do before every challenging/important conversation?
I WOOP it.
I think about my “Wish“ (how I’d like the chat to go), my ideal “Outcome” (the benefits we’ll both receive), then I rub it up against reality (as Jefferson says: “Be realistic!”) by thinking about the “Obstacles” I will likely face (I tend to get feisty when in tough chats) along with my “Plan” to address those challenges (I always write down “breathe” and “listen”).
Learn more about the WOOP process in my Notes on Gabriele Oettingen’s Rethinking Positive Thinking: Inside the New Science of Motivation.
Big Ideas
01: YOUR VALUES
02: RULE #1
03: RULE #2
04: RULE #3
05: 47-SECONDS
“There ain’t no good guy. There ain’t no bad guy. We just disagree.”DAVE MASON, “WE JUST DISAGREE” |
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