Big Idea Daily | The Five Love Languages
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How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mateby Dr. Gary Chapman |
“The in-love experience does not focus on our own growth nor on the growth and development of the other person. Rather, it gives us the sense that we have arrived.”GARY CHAPMAN |
BIG IDEA
Falling in Love vs. Real Love
FROM THE BOOK“Research seems to indicate that there is a better alternative: We can recognize the in-love experience for what it was—a temporary emotional high—and now pursue ‘real love’ with our spouse.
That kind of love is emotional in nature but not obsessional. It is a love that unites reason and emotion. It involves an act of will and requires discipline, and it recognizes the need for personal growth. Our most basic emotional need is not to fall in love but to be genuinely loved by another, to know a love that grows out of reason and choice, not instinct. I need to be loved by someone who chooses to love me, who sees in me something worth loving.
That kind of love requires effort and discipline. It is the choice to expend energy in an effort to benefit the other person, knowing that if his or her life is enriched by your effort, you too will find a sense of satisfaction—the satisfaction of having genuinely loved another. It does not require the euphoria of the ‘in love’ experience. In fact, true love cannot begin until the ‘in love’ experience has run its course.”
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Brian's Notes
That’s from a chapter called “Falling in Love.”
Newsflash...
As wonderful as it feels to “fall in love,” we need to figure out what to do once that emotional high wears off.
That might have been the biggest lesson that Alexandra and I learned—moving from “falling in love” to “standing in love” and “growing in love.”
Here’s another fun story.
Alexandra and I originally got engaged in a wonderfully emotionally-rich moment following a Vipassana meditation we did together. It was great. Peak moments all around.
Then...
Our relationship ended.
Then...
We got back together and started doing the WORK to make our relationship work.
Then...
One day WHILE DOING THE DISHES TOGETHER (hah—true story!) we decided to get married.
I absolutely love that juxtaposition for so many reasons.
Now...
Let’s look at what a few of my favorite thinkers on Love have to say about the subject.
First, let’s go with Leo Buscaglia.
He echoes this wisdom in his classic book appropriately called Love where he tells us: “One does not fall ‘in’ or ‘out’ of love. One grows in love.”
Then there’s John Gottman, the guy who can predict which couples will get divorced with 90%+ accuracy after watching them interact for minutes in his lab. (Yowsers!)
In The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country’s Foremost Relationship Expert, he shares what he looks for and what we need to do to create a relationship that thrives.
One of the things he tells us: “I often think that if fitness buffs spent just 10 percent of their weekly workout time—say, twenty minutes a day—working on their marriage instead of their bodies, they would get three times the health benefits they derive from exercise class or the treadmill.”
All of which brings us to the positive psychology power couple James and Suzie Pawelski.
James is a philosopher who has worked with Martin Seligman for 25 years—helping shape the movement from Day 1 and helping create the Masters of Applied Positive Psychology program with Marty at the University of Pennsylvania where Suzie got her Masters.
They wrote my all-time favorite relationship book together. It’s called Happy Together: Using the Science of Positive Psychology to Build Love That Lasts.
They tell us: “We believe in the importance of working on our relationships just like we work on our bodies at the gym. Fitness doesn’t come magically; it’s the result of sustained effort. And this effort needs to be directed wisely. This is why we turn to trainers for advice. And any good trainer will tell you how important it is to develop good exercise habits that can make it easier to get to the gym and keep going on our routines. This is true of relationships, as well. Sustained efforts and habits are essential. And once we begin to see the fruits of our labor, and enjoy greater understanding and better interactions with our partners, we naturally become motivated to work even harder. Eventually, the hard work doesn’t seem to be so ‘hard’ or ‘work’ at all, but rather becomes natural and fun behavior we want to keep doing. To help us direct our efforts wisely in our ‘relationship gym,’ we will need to look to leading researchers in the field of positive psychology for their evidence-based advice. Since positive psychology is steeped in a rich philosophical tradition, we will also look to great thinkers such as Aristotle, who extolled the value of ‘the good life’ and expounded on what good relationships look like, and William James, who emphasized the importance of cultivating healthy habits through continual effort and directed attention.”
So...
Ready to create a relationship that endures?
Well...
Remember, once the buzz wears off (and it ALWAYS will!), hit the relationship gym. Do the HARD (!) work to make your relationship strong.
P.S. Want to know what happens when you don’t have the wisdom to know how hard it is to create an enduring relationship and/or the discipline to do the work required?
Check out these sobering stats: “Presently 40 percent of first marriages in this country end in divorce. Sixty percent of second marriages and 75 percent of third marriages end the same way.”
Big Ideas
01: REAL LOVE
02: THE FIVE LOVE LANGUAGES
03: LOVE LANGUAGE #1
04: LOVE LANGUAGE #2
05: THE DECISION TO LOVE
“We must be willing to learn our spouse’s primary love language if we are to be effective communicators of love.”GARY CHAPMAN |
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