Big Idea Daily | How to Know a Person
 |
The Art of Seeing Others Deeply and Being Deeply Seenby David Brooks |
“Now, you may be an atheist, an agnostic, a Christian, a Jew, a Muslim, a Buddhist, or something else, but this posture of respect and reverence, this awareness of the infinite dignity of each person you meet, is a precondition for seeing people well.”DAVID BROOKS |
BIG IDEA
Diminishers & Illuminators
FROM THE BOOK“In every crowd there are Diminishers and Illuminators.
Diminishers make people feel small and unseen. They see other people as things to be used, not as persons to be befriended. They stereotype and ignore. They are so involved with themselves that other people are just not on their radar screen.
Illuminators, on the other hand, have a persistent curiosity about other people. They have been trained or have trained themselves in the craft of understanding others. They know what to look for and how to ask the right questions at the right time. They shine the brightness of their care on people and make them feel bigger, deeper, respected, lit up.
I’m sure you’ve experienced a version of this: You meet somebody who seems wholly interested in you, who gets you, who helps you name and see things in yourself that maybe you hadn’t even yet put into words, and you become a better version of yourself.
A biographer of the novelist E. M. Forster wrote, ‘To speak to him was to be seduced by an inverse charisma, a sense of being listened to with such intensity that you had to be your most honest, sharpest, and best self.’ Imagine how good it would be to be that guy.”
|
Brian's Notes
Diminishers vs. Illuminators.
You can find some of each in every crowd.
Let’s get right at it... Which one are YOU?
Of course, each of us can play both roles depending on the context and the quality of our presence (and sleep! hah). And, of course, the book is all about helping us flip on the switch of being an Illuminator so we can help others see and amplify their own light.
I’ll tell you what and who I thought of when I read about that Illuminator with “inverse charisma.” I thought of my Wifey, Alexandra.
(And... I just got tears typing that.)
She’s EXACTLY the type of person who not just seems but IS “wholly interested in you, who gets you, who helps you name and see things in yourself that maybe you hadn’t even yet put into words, and you become a better version of yourself.”
I’ve not only been benefiting from her Illuminating qualities since our very first date but I’ve been witnessing this quality in her since our very first date—which was almost exactly 19 years ago: April 21, 2007.
Here’s the quick context and a little origin (love) story for curious souls.
Once upon a time, I ran a social platform before Facebook. It was called Zaadz. Alexandra had a friend who told her to check it out. She did.
For some reason she decided to see who the CEO of the company was. It was me. Then, for some reason (she says it was my list of favorite books!), she said to herself: “I’m going to marry Brian Johnson.”
(Tears in my eyes again. My Wife’s intuition is strong, folks.)
Now, at the time, she was living outside Chicago. I was in Los Angeles. She moves to Los Angeles to create an event at UCLA’s business school. She and her partners who were producing the event needed sponsors for it. She said: “Let’s get Zaadz to sponsor it. I am going to marry the CEO.”
(Tears in my eyes again. My Wife’s confidence and audacity is strong, folks.)
As it turns out, the guy with whom she was producing the event said: “I know Brian. I’ll call him now.” He called me. I had my business development person take the lead. She sent me a message saying she found a woman who wants to marry me.
As it turns out, I had ended a relationship three months before. I had given myself three months of no dating. You know what I had in my Blackberry calendar for that week? “Start dating again.”
Long story a little shorter, Alexandra and I got connected, traded 100 texts in 100 hours, had our first chat while she was hanging out in a Barnes and Noble and then went out on our first date: a hike at Temescal Park in Santa Monica.
I go to pick her up. She lives THREE blocks from me. (Hah.)
Our hike led to lunch which led to a shopping trip (with her telling me what I should eat—nothing has changed with that in nearly two decades!) which leads us to point of this Illuminator story.
We’re at Costco and an enthusiastic young man is demo-ing a blender of some kind.
Alexandra does her Illuminator thing—asking him about his life and his dreams (now I have more tears in my eyes) and within minutes the two of them are best friends and you can tell just how fired up the guy is with how awesome he is and how much more awesome his life is going to be as he continues to go after his dreams.
That’s what an Illuminator does.
Let’s do that for the people in our lives.
All day. Every day. Especially... TODAY.
P.S. Alexandra has done basically the EXACT same thing COUNTLESS times. It’s a remarkable gift and something that inspires me deeply.
P.P.S. In the margins of this section, I wrote “Love = Hero’s secret weapon” and “encourage = to inject with light.” Remember: LOVE (!) is the Hero’s secret weapon and one of THE most powerful ways we can show that love is to encourage someone to see their own light.
P.P.P.S. Speaking of “inverse charisma,” let’s chat about Olivia Fox Cabane’s great book, The Charisma Myth: How Anyone Can Master the Art and Science of Personal Magnetism.
She tells us that charisma comes down to THREE things: Presence, Power, and Warmth.
First and MOST IMPORTANTLY (!), we must have Presence if we want to have charisma. If you’re looking at your screen or looking over someone’s shoulder while they’re talking to you, there is ZERO chance you’ll be charismatic (let alone master the art of inverse charisma).
Second, you need to have Power. The #1 way to build this? Your physical posture. Flip the switch and embody your best self.
Third, you need to have Warmth. You can have Presence and Power but if people don’t feel that you’ll use it FOR them rather than *against* them, you won’t have charisma.
Check out the Notes for more. For now, know this: ANYONE and EVERYONE can boost their Iluminating Charisma. It’s a skill we all can and should develop.
Big Ideas
01: ILLUMINATORS
02: YOUR SUFFERING
03: EMPATHY
04: YOUR LIFE STORY
05: WHAT DO YOU SEE
“If I am going to get to know you, it’s not because I have the magical ability to peer into your soul; it’s because I have the skill of asking the sorts of questions that will give you a chance to tell me about who you are.”DAVID BROOKS |
Get all 700+ notesĀ and 101 masterclasses.
Master the Big Ideas from the best books in under 20 minutes a day for one lifetime payment of $99.
