Big Idea Daily | Happy Together
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Using the Science of Positive Psychology to Build Love That Lastsby Suzann Pileggi Pawelski, MAPP & James Pawelski, PhD |
“Instead of focusing on what we can get out of the relationship, we concentrate our attention on how we can help our partners grow and flourish, with a love of the goodness in the other person’s character serving as the foundation for our desire to do so. And that kind of love—one based on virtue—is more likely to last a lifetime.”SUZANN PILEGGI PAWELSKI AND JAMES PAWELSKI |
BIG IDEA
The Relationship gym
FROM THE BOOK“We believe in the importance of working on our relationships just like we work on our bodies at the gym.
Fitness doesn’t come magically; it’s the result of sustained effort. And this effort needs to be directed wisely. This is why we turn to trainers for advice. And any good trainer will tell you how important it is to develop good exercise habits that can make it easier to get to the gym and keep going on our routines. This is true of relationships, as well. Sustained efforts and habits are essential. And once we begin to see the fruits of our labor, and enjoy greater understanding and better interactions with our partners, we naturally become motivated to work even harder. Eventually, the hard work doesn’t seem to be so ‘hard’ or ‘work’ at all, but rather becomes natural and fun behavior we want to keep doing. To help us direct our efforts wisely in our ‘relationship gym,’ we will need to look to leading researchers in the field of positive psychology for their evidence-based advice. Since positive psychology is steeped in a rich philosophical tradition, we will also look to great thinkers such as Aristotle, who extolled the value of ‘the good life’ and expounded on what good relationships look like, and William James, who emphasized the importance of cultivating healthy habits through continual effort and directed attention.”
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Brian's Notes
Ah, the Relationship Gym.
Suzie and James know how to speak my (and our!) language.
Of course, it’s easy to “fall” in love. It’s much harder to “stand” and/or “grow” in love. If we want to master the complex art and science of relationships, there’s only ONE way to do it: diligent, patient, persistent practice. We need to show up at the Relationship Gym.
As I read that passage and reflected on James’ and Suzie’s love of Aristotle, I couldn’t help but think about the fact that his ancient Lyceum was known as a sort of Harvard meets Equinox. (Or, in this case, another Ivy League school: Penn!)
The ancient philosophers? They weren’t mere “librarians” cataloging ideas. They were more like warriors PRACTICING these ideas—vigorously disciplining themselves in the gym of life to become the very best they were capable of being. Which makes me think of a few other things.
First, remember that when we go to the gym, we don’t lift Styrofoam weights. Not if we want to get strong. Guess what? Same with our Relationship Gym. Those challenges? They’re weights. Use them to get stronger.
I also thought of Leo Buscaglia. In Love, he makes the great point that: “If he desired to know about automobiles, he would, without question, study diligently about automobiles. If his wife desired to be a gourmet cook, she’d certainly study the art of cooking, perhaps even attending a cooking class. Yet, it never seems as obvious to him that if he wants to live in love, he must spend at least as much time as the auto mechanic or the gourmet in studying love.”
Again, before THIS book there really WASN’T a single book I could point to that integrates Ancient Wisdom + Modern Science + Practical Tools which is why (echo!) this book is so epic.
Finally, I think of a couple old-school Stoics. Seneca and Musonius Rufus.
In terms of the “hard work” becoming something we look forward to, Seneca said exactly (!) this back in the day. In Letters from a Stoic, he tells us:“How much better to pursue a straight course and eventually reach that destination where the things that are pleasant and the things that are honorable finally become, for you, the same.”
How do we do that? Seneca also tells us: “You have to persevere and fortify your pertinacity until the will to good becomes a disposition to good.” In other words. HIT THE GYM!
All of which leads us to Musonius Rufus who, in his Lectures, gives some of the best relationship advice I’ve ever read: “In marriage, there must be, above all, companionship and care of husband and wife for each other, both in sickness and in health and on every occasion. When this mutual care is complete and those who live together provide it to each other completely, each competes to surpass the other in giving such care. Such a marriage is admirable and deserves emulation; such a partnership is beautiful.”
One more time: Want to Optimize your relationships? Move from Theory to PRACTICE. (TODAY!)
Big Ideas
01: THE RELATIONSHIP GYM
02: ARISTOTELIAN LOVERS
03: SNAP
04: KNOW THY...
05: LOVE IS AN ACTION VERB
“As Aristotelian Lovers, we are attracted to our partners because of the good we see in them, and this motivates us to want to become better people and to support our partners in their quest to become better people themselves.”SUZANN PILEGGI PAWELSKI AND JAMES PAWELSKI |
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